a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
