I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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