Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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