I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
