I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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