Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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