Have you finally orgasmed yet?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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