No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
