My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
