I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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