please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
