she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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