then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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