I need help removing her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
