Just took my morning after pill in the library
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
