Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
