Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
