i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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