My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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