how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
