But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
