I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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