I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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