She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
