Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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