Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize