Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
