and you said cock pushups were impossible
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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