If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
