I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
