he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
