she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
