he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
