This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
