So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
