woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
