good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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