im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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