I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
