New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
