There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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