i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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