I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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