the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
