Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
