I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
