so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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