I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
