A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it penis luge time yet?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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