Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
